할일이너무많아서

오늘은 한국말로 블로그하려구요. 잘 못하고 써 본적이 없어서, 어색하고 어떻게 잘 쓸줄도모르지만, 그냥 오늘은 한국말로 쓰고싶어서.. 영어를 더 잘하고 더 편한데, 나는 왜 한국말이 더 좋고 한국말로 쓰고 싶은지 모르겠어요. 한국말로 표현하는게 더 좋아서그런것 같아요. 어렷은데 한글학교 다니기는했지만, 별로 도움않된거 같아요. 베이식은 많이 배우긴했지만, 실제로 많이 느른것은 혼자 배워서 늘었어요. 지금도 잘하는거는 아니지만, 바침이랑 그런것도 확실하지않고, 그래도 그전보다는 훨신 늘은것같아요. 몇년전에, 내가 네이버 하고 다른 한국 사이트 처음 들어가봤을떼, 힘들었던거 생각나요. 읽을수 있어도, 너무 느리게 읽었고 이해도 않되는게 많았는데, 지금은 많이 편해젔어요. 한국 드라마, 음악 보고 듣기 부터~ 그게 처음시작이죠. 그걸로 시작되서 갈수록 한국 사이트 더 많이 찾아가고 그위에 한국뉴스도 한국말로 되있는거 가끔읽고 그러다보니까 예전보다 많이 늘고 편해졌담니닷. ㅋㅋㅋ 하고 준수 한테 트윗 하다 보니까, 옛날보다는 조금 들 어색하다고 생각되요. 음.. 지금 거이 아침 1시 되가고있는데~ 아직도 컴퓨터 앞에서 이러고 있어요. 그래도 옛날보다는 조금 —- 아주 조금은 일직 자요 요즘엔. 지금 머리가 복잡해서 블로그에와서 쓰고싶었는데, 위에 쓰다보니까 아까보다는 마음이 들복잡…그래도 할일은 해야지 끝나느거라서 지금은 또 침착하고있지만 네일하고 그담날에 또 마음이 복잡하고 머리가 복잡하고… 한일은 계속 싸여가기만하니까. 않하면. 준수처럼 열심히하려고 노력중이에요. 옛날부터 이제부터 잘하겠다고 계속했지만..자꾸 다시시작 다시시작이라고하고. 지금 이순간부터 다시시작한다고 결심한 그날들… 벌써 그런지가 오래됬어요. 7 8 학년때부터 그런생각을하고 있었고 근데 갈수록 더 열심히 않한거같아요. 7학년때부터 지금까지 은제 딱 5년이 흘렀어요. 이제 제가 11학년 들어갈거니까~ 그 5년 동안 이런생각 저런생각 많이해서 많이 해메고 다니고, 희망이없고, 아주 슬펐던 날들이있었어요. 그건가봐~ 어른이 될수록 더 세상이 복잡하네요. 그래도 열심히 살고 행복하게~~~ 하는일에 최선을 다해서. 준수도 그랬는데, 하는일에 집중하고 최선을다해서 한다고. 나도 그렇게 생각하거 그렇게하는게 좋은거잔ㅎ아요. 오늘 재중이가 트윗했는데, 준수가 제일 일직이러나고 부지런하다고 써났네요. 와ㅏㅏ 진짜.. 난 아주 계으르게사는데. 실제로 지금 이렇게 사는게 저에 ‘리얼’ 모습이 아님니다. 그냥 그거라고 봐요 저는. The change from childhood to adulthood I should say. I think I’m just lost in finding my way through there and adapting to the changes. I want to become a baby again. I loved being young. Now I know what adults mean when they say childhood is short and it’s the best time so spend it wisely. I’m still a child I guess. I’m not that old. I’m sixteen now. Being this age, I guess it’s natural to be like me. I have such complex thoughts running through my head. Occasionally, I feel so sad. I just all of a sudden I feel so sad and lonely. Like there’s no one; like there’s no true friend. I feel like I have no friends or true friends or close friends. Is everyone like that though? I don’t know. I’m a person that I actually care about other but what I see, is that people think of themselves first always. I’m not saying everyone but usually. They do everything they have to do and leave time for friends later. That’s life though I guess. I’m a person who would take time off of what I have to do to make time for a friend. I’m just bad at expressing my feelings face to face I guess. I’m naturally a little quiet and reserved, I’ve always been called shy when I was younger, although that is not the real me. I was quiet when I was younger but now I became more open. I don’t know what I’m writing right now. I’m just typing whatever I’m thinking right now right off my head. I’m naturally an optimist too, so I’m overflowing with confidence even though I fail and I always have hope and plans.

The point is, that I have so many things to catch up on it’s overwhelming. I did learn a lot though through failing. Failing is good. It makes you stronger. It made me want to do better and improve myself from now on. Perfect perfection is impossible but I want to be perfect in my perfection standards. I’m serious now. I’m weary of saying this is the new beginning. Today is the day. The new start. I’m so tired of saying that over again and again. I’m not doing it on purpose but it just didn’t last the way I planned. I just have to start and keep going from now on. 다시시작 한다고 계속 그말만 반복하기 싫어. 그날 준수가 다시시작 이라고 트윗했을때 넘 좋았어. 내가 생각하고 있는거랑 똑같아서. 그래서 위로도 됐고 더 잘하고 싶은 마음이생겼어. August is the month. It has always been the month. After school ends and summer starts, I always tried starting new from July since it’s … summer. Since it’s finally summer. But it never works out. July I’m just lazy. School ended I just get more out of it and lazier. August is the month where I actually start on something and it usually lasts so I love the month August. It fills me up. It’s almost August again. This time August 2011. I really want to mark this as my 다시시작 day. 이번에는 진짜로. 진짜진짜 이번이 마지막으로 다시시작한다고 할꺼에요. 이제부터 계속 앞만보고, 모든거에 열심히하고 최선을다해서, 하고 행복하게 살을꺼에요. 지난일은 후에 하나도 않되요. 지금 이만큼 온것이 다 실패로인해 배우고 어떻게 다시 일어나는걸 배웠어요. It was very easy actually. Even though I fail it never really affected me at all. It’s just like, “Oh I failed. Better luck next time” kind of thing. Haha so it has always been easy to bring myself back up. This time I want to meet my perfection standards and maintain it that way. :) It’s not too much. I just want to be healthy, happy, and keeping organized. School, I never really cared about. It was just there, it’s society. School is important. Yes, but I never really cared much. I just lived through, and somehow I passed with flying colors through middle school. Even got me to Townsend Harris HS which is rated highly and known as a good school and hard to get into. But I just got in. I was like, I don’t care. Also LaGuardia, I just auditioned for fun. Not saying “for fun” or like that, but I just wanted to experience it so I just went without thinking. Just brought some of my artworks and later it said I got accepted. I felt like God has helped me even though I didn’t work hard at all. I found a little note I wrote back then. It said something like, “God, please let me get into Townsend Harris. Pleaseee.” I didn’t even know I wanted to get in there, but maybe I did at least a little. I’m writing so much : and it’s almost 2AM now. I just wanted to let out what I’m thinking right now. I have a lot of things to do and I will do all of them. Everything. YES. Come August~ I’m going to find myself, the real me. Junior year I have to make up for all my fails in freshman and sophomore year so I have to work extra hard. I’m going to get 100s on everything. Hahah not literally. 100s just mean to me that I did my best. 이게 최선이야? 최선입니다! ㅋㅋ That quote from Secret Garden applies to me. Hehe alright. My fingers are so tired and I have to go sleep too. Good night!

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About siabyul

loves XIA Junsu / designer / photographer

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